Look into my eyes (‘Inky’ has trained me well). I’m too cute and adorable to be ignored. You will do my bidding.
First, fish (btw, fish are yummy) out your wallet/purse/European handbag (which is still a purse). Next, get out your credit card. The one with the highest limit will suffice. If you have an AMEX Black card, so much the better.
Now you will go online to purchase me and ‘Inky’ a lifetime supply of Temptations Treats. You can itemize the expense as a charitable deduction on your tax returns. I swear. I’m too cuddly and awwww-inspiring to lie to you.
“Hey, birds! I’m just an innocent leafy bush. Come perch upon my paws, er, branches.”
Greetings, My Subjects!
Today, I will discuss a topic that may be sensitive to your inattentive ears, but is important in improving your status as a species. The topic: sleep deprivation. You humans have got your hours backward. It’s not eight hours asleep and sixteen hours awake. It is sixteen hours asleep and eight hours awake.
You have a saying, “the early bird gets the worm.” Two things in rebuttal. First, really??? You’re admiring birds?! For shame! You only admire birds when they’re deep-fried using the Colonel’s special recipe. Otherwise, they’re carriers of disease, ignorant, and frustratingly airborne. But delicious.
Did I say “two things?” Yes! Secondly, the correct quote is “the early bird tried to get the worm, but was captured by the more alert cat.” And I’m more alert at 4 A.M. because I had been sleeping since 8 P.M. And I will go back to sleep at 8 A.M. and sleep until 4 P.M.
See how that works? The more you sleep, the more energy you have conserved for the eight hours you only need to be awake. Your inefficient sleeping patterns are contributing to your mediocre status in the hierarchy. I mean, how many hours of “Honey Boo-Boo” must you watch before you might think, “hey, it might be best for me to sleep now, so I can be awake at 4 in the morning to serve ‘Inky’ breakfast and give him unconditional love and homage. It’s been quite selfish of me to sleep until 7.” At least then you would be serving the greater good.
Until next time.
Message from the Marketing Director
Look into my eyes. You will do my bidding. Rich wants me to talk to you about his upcoming seminars. But those dates are posted on the newsletter front page or you can call (571) 208-0425 for more information. Your obeisance and acquiescence are needed for a much more urgent matter.
Look at my plate. Meow Mix, really? I demand more substantive fare. Look to your left. No, your other left. You should see a shovel in the corner. If you don’t have a shovel, then shame on you! How did you think you could effectively do my bidding without a shovel?!
[Sigh] Alright, you slackers can use your hands instead. Go out to your nearest field and begin “shoveling” dirt near trees or leaf piles. Anywhere rodents are likely to congregate and cower. I’ll be over at a time of my earliest convenience to check your progress. If you do a good enough job finding dinner, I may split the kill with you. Go forth!
P.S. Lowe’s has shovels. Just sayin’.