Look into my eyes (‘Inky’ has trained me well). I’m too cute and adorable to be ignored. You will do my bidding.
First, fish (btw, fish are yummy) out your wallet/purse/European handbag (which is still a purse). Next, get out your credit card. The one with the highest limit will suffice. If you have an AMEX Black card, so much the better.
Now you will go online to purchase me and ‘Inky’ a lifetime supply of Temptations Treats. You can itemize the expense as a charitable deduction on your tax returns. I swear. I’m too cuddly and awwww-inspiring to lie to you.
“Hey, birds! I’m just an innocent leafy bush. Come perch upon my paws, er, branches.”
Greetings, My Subjects!
Today, I will discuss a topic that may be sensitive to your inattentive ears, but is important in improving your status as a species. The topic: sleep deprivation. You humans have got your hours backward. It’s not eight hours asleep and sixteen hours awake. It is sixteen hours asleep and eight hours awake.
You have a saying, “the early bird gets the worm.” Two things in rebuttal. First, really??? You’re admiring birds?! For shame! You only admire birds when they’re deep-fried using the Colonel’s special recipe. Otherwise, they’re carriers of disease, ignorant, and frustratingly airborne. But delicious.
Did I say “two things?” Yes! Secondly, the correct quote is “the early bird tried to get the worm, but was captured by the more alert cat.” And I’m more alert at 4 A.M. because I had been sleeping since 8 P.M. And I will go back to sleep at 8 A.M. and sleep until 4 P.M.
See how that works? The more you sleep, the more energy you have conserved for the eight hours you only need to be awake. Your inefficient sleeping patterns are contributing to your mediocre status in the hierarchy. I mean, how many hours of “Honey Boo-Boo” must you watch before you might think, “hey, it might be best for me to sleep now, so I can be awake at 4 in the morning to serve ‘Inky’ breakfast and give him unconditional love and homage. It’s been quite selfish of me to sleep until 7.” At least then you would be serving the greater good.
Until next time.